12:03 a.m. on July 2, 2009 (EDT)
10 Easy Steps to Tie Your Food Up in a Tree
- or - 3 Steps to Using a Bear Canister (Factual Humor)
1. Put a rock into a Ziploc bag and tie bag to rope. Locate a tree with a suitable branch that will hold your food.
2. Try to fling bagged rock over branch and avoid hitting someone with rock, repeat as often as required. Find that Ziploc bag is not strong enough to hold rock securely.
3. (a.) Try tying rope directly to rock, when rock flies off, on first swing, then… try re-tying rock more securely, and once again repeat as often as required. (b.) Bandage head of kibitzing bystander. Try Step #3 (a.) again.
4. (a.) Divide food, trash and ‘smellables’ into two bags of even weight. (b.) Tie one food sack to one end of rope and hoist it high into the air. (c.) Discover your branch choice was a bit to flexible or not high enough.
5. Spend next hour finding a better branch. (Note to self: Start process earlier next time to avoid hunting for suitable tree branch in the dark) Re-fling rock over branch (Step #3. (a.) [Try to avoid Step #3. (b.)] Then repeat Step #4. (b.)
6. Tie second sack as high up on rope as possible. Discover the weight of each sack was not as even as you thought, untie bags and sort contents, repeat as needed.
7. Coil remaining rope and attach it to second sack. Send second sack up even higher, with a great fling. Observe that both sacks are now totally out of reach of the bears …and you.
8. Finally go to bed and spend the night worried about your food, and jerking awake at every noise because you just KNOW that’s the sound of your food being destroyed, because the NPS has told you that: “hanging your food is not considered effective”.
9. When bears, mice, squirrels, chipmunks, porcupines, marmots etc. or bad weather have destroyed your food, then gather the remains and packaging trash and place the entire mess in a garbage bag and carry to the trailhead for proper disposal.
10. Buy new food locally (at outrageous prices) or cancel the rest of backpack outing.
3 Steps to Using a Bear Canister
1. Put food, trash and ‘smellables’ in canister and secure lid.
2. Walk 50 feet outside of camp and put canister down.
3. In the morning walk 50 feet outside of camp, open top and get food. Secure lid.
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